I know exactly how you feel. I won 2600 euros on bonanza in November. The next day i lost it all and added another1200 loss on top of it.
My wife doesnt have a clue about my gambling addiction. So i hid the loss with a creditcard transfer.
But decided i couldnt go on like i was. Id loose my wife, home, kids, everything…
and all i could think of was redepositing and try to win it back. Instead i managed to find the willpower and excluded myself from all casinos.
Havent gambled sine, card is paid back and I’ll never put myself in that spot again.
When i get the urge, i go to twitch or youtube and watch other ppl play. Not quite the same, but if i start i know it’s just a matter of time before i go off the deep end.
Best og luck to you Zoe.
Get gameban, and i promise you that you will feel a relief that is like no other. You will feel that you accomplished something. And for the first time in a long time you will lower your shoulders.
Atleast i did.